A Passage forward

There’s a moment in life when the path ahead seems impossible, when the weight of uncertainty becomes overwhelming, and the very idea of moving forward feels like an insurmountable mountain. But sometimes, it’s in these moments of discomfort, struggle, and vulnerability that we discover a passage forward — a journey of self-discovery and transformation.

For me, this passage has been about overcoming adversity, confronting my learning difficulties, and silencing the ever-echoing voice of self-doubt. It's been a rite of passage, a kind of rebirth, where the person I once was meets the person I am becoming. Through this journey, I have found that the way forward is not linear, and the path is rarely clear. Yet, somehow, the act of moving through the struggle itself becomes the passage.

The Struggles of Self-Doubt and Learning Difficulties

There’s something uniquely painful about not feeling like you belong, about thinking you’re not enough, in a classroom full of kids and a teacher who rejected every part of me and that no matter how hard you try, you’ll never quite measure up. I remember the days when learning felt like an obstacle course, each new concept a barrier, each step forward followed by a stumble. The humiliation of being singled out for not fitting the mainstream. Swallowed by the distraction of daydreaming, a fantasy of being anywhere but in that space. My mind, my thoughts — they were fragmented, disjointed. It was like trying to assemble a puzzle where no piece seemed to fit.

But as I stand here now, I realize that those moments weren’t failures. They were part of my passage forward. Like the trees in the forest that endure the harshest winters only to bloom again in the spring, I too needed to weather these challenges, to sit with discomfort, in order to grow.

The gift my grandmothers gave me in practicing of being present to nature, how we can observe it, to take away from the thoughts that hinder our growth. Nature has always been my refuge and guide. Just as a river carves its way through stone, not through force but through persistence, I’ve learned to navigate my own difficulties with patience and let go of social norms. My struggles were like the storm clouds gathering on the horizon — dark and heavy but ultimately passing. And in their wake, the air is clearer, the ground more fertile for growth.

Substance and the Illusion of Connection

There was a time when I turned to substances as a way to connect, to silence the noise in my mind, and to feel some semblance of confidence. It’s a temporary escape, a fleeting high that dissipates as quickly as it arrives. At that moment, I mistook this external fix for something real — a way to bridge the gap between the person I was and the person I wanted to be.

But the illusion fades, like mist in the morning sun, and what remains is the truth: no amount of external substance can fill the internal void. True connection comes from within. I had to learn that the most important relationship I could have was with myself. Like a seed buried in the soil, I had to trust that beneath the surface, something was growing — something that didn’t rely on outside validation or substances to thrive.

In the quiet moments, I began to realize that the confidence I sought could only come from acknowledging my own worth. I wasn’t lost in the wilderness after all; I was simply learning how to find my own way.

Nature as a Mirror for Self-Enquiry

When I think of the challenges I’ve faced, I often turn to nature for inspiration. Nature has a way of reflecting our internal landscapes. The mountains that stand tall and firm, enduring centuries of erosion, remind me of resilience. The rivers that carve through valleys, persistent and patient, remind me that even in the face of adversity, there is beauty in continuing to move forward.

Like the cycles of the seasons, I’ve learned that growth is not immediate, and healing doesn’t happen overnight. Some days are heavy, like the days before a storm, and some are filled with light, like the first rays of sun after a long, dark night. But I know now that every phase, every struggle, and every moment of doubt is part of the larger journey — the passage forward.

The Passage Forward

Today, I no longer look to external fixes or substances to fill the gaps. I look inward. I have learned that overcoming adversity and silence the critical self-doubt that once dominated my thoughts is not a single moment of triumph. It is an ongoing journey. A process of re-creating myself again and again, learning from the past but not being bound by it.

The passage forward isn’t just about surviving; it’s about thriving — it’s about embracing each step of the journey and accepting the growth that comes from the pain, the setbacks, and the triumphs. It’s about trusting that, like the tallest trees, I too will reach for the sky, even when my roots feel fragile.

This is my rite of passage. This is my story of overcoming, of letting go of old patterns, and of forging a path where I can stand in the fullness of who I am. There is no perfect version of myself waiting on the other side — there is only the continuous, evolving journey forward.

And in this journey, I have learned to find peace in the struggle, wisdom in the uncertainty, and strength in my own ability to keep moving forward, one step at a time.